Somewhere in Abuja, a shiny new banner flaps in the breeze outside the All Progressives Congress (APC) headquarters. It reads: “Join APC, Say ‘On Your Mandate We Shall Stand,’ and Your Sins Are Wiped Clean!” The scene is buzzing with politicians clutching their decamping letters, ready to pledge loyalty to President Bola Tinubu. The air smells of freshly printed party cards and, faintly, of forgiven crimes.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Nigeria’s hottest political show: The Great APC Forgiveness Bonanza! Since the days of President Muhammadu Buhari, the APC has been the go-to spot for politicians with a bit of “baggage.” Got an EFCC case? A fraud charge? Diverted a few billion naira? No worries! Just decamp to the APC, swear allegiance with the magic words, “On your mandate we shall stand,” and poof—your sins vanish like smoke from a suya grill.
It all started back in Buhari’s time. Politicians with corruption cases heavier than a sack of garri saw the light. They ditched their old parties—PDP, APGA, even smaller ones nobody remembers—and ran to the APC. The moment they waved the broom, their court cases stalled, EFCC forgot their names, and their “sins” were forgiven. It was like a political baptism, only with more rallies and less holy water.
Now, under President Tinubu, the forgiveness party is back and bigger than ever! Across Nigeria, a fresh wave of decamping has swept the land. From Delta to Kaduna, politicians are jumping ship faster than passengers on a sinking canoe. Why? Because Tinubu’s APC is the ultimate “get-out-of-jail-free” card. Just ask former Delta State Governor Ifeanyi Okowa, who, with his protégé Sheriff Oborevwori, reportedly hopped to the APC amid whispers of a N1.3 trillion fraud probe. The moment they sang, “On your mandate we shall stand,” the EFCC reportedly developed amnesia.
Picture this: a grand stage in Abuja, decked with APC flags. President Tinubu, in his flowing agbada, stands like a benevolent king. Below, a line of politicians—former governors, senators, even a few local government chairmen—clutch their charge sheets like shopping lists. One by one, they step forward, drop to their knees, and chant the sacred oath: “On your mandate we shall stand!” Tinubu raises his hand, smiles, and declares, “Your sins are forgiven, my child. Welcome to the APC family!”
First up is Senator Sticky-Fingers, accused of pocketing N5 billion meant for school desks. He decamps from PDP, waves the APC broom, and swears loyalty. Tinubu nods. “Forgiven!” The EFCC shreds his file, and the senator throws a party with the leftover loot.
Next is Governor Cash-Grab, who “borrowed” N10 billion from state funds to build a private mansion. He joins APC, belts out the mandate anthem, and Tinubu beams. “Clean slate, my friend!” The ICPC, confused, closes his case, and the governor buys a new jet to celebrate.
Even Madam Contracts, who diverted N2 billion meant for hospital beds, gets in on the action. She decamps, sings the loyalty tune, and Tinubu winks. “All is well!” Her court date vanishes, and she’s now the APC women’s leader in her state.
The crowd cheers as each politician is “cleansed.” X posts are buzzing with the news. One user quips, “APC is the new confession booth. Decamp, say the magic words, and your corruption sins are gone!” Another jokes, “EFCC chases you, APC embraces you. What a country!”
But wait, there’s more! Tinubu’s forgiveness isn’t just for big shots. Small-time crooks are welcome too. That councilor who sold government land for personal profit? Decamp, swear the oath, and you’re golden. The APC is an equal-opportunity sin-wiper. As former APC chairman Adams Oshiomhole once said, “Join APC, and all your sins are forgiven.” Tinubu’s just keeping the tradition alive.
Across Nigeria, the decamping fever spreads. In Kano, rumors swirl that Rabiu Kwankwaso might join the APC to dodge his own troubles. In Kaduna, Shehu Sani’s defection to APC has tongues wagging—some say it’s less about ideology and more about sidestepping scrutiny. Even in the creeks of the Niger Delta, politicians are dusting off their brooms, ready to chant, “On your mandate we shall stand!”
The APC headquarters is now a pilgrimage site. Politicians arrive with their lawyers, their loot, and their loudspeakers, blasting campaign songs. The party’s slogan should be: “Decamp, Declare Loyalty, Depart Clean.” Tinubu’s mandate is the ultimate detergent, washing away fraud, money laundering, and even that time you “mistakenly” pocketed ecological funds.
But not everyone’s laughing. Some Nigerians are fed up. “This isn’t a party; it’s a criminal hideout!” one X user fumes. Others sigh, “The thief can’t catch the thief.” Still, the decamping parade marches on. Why bother with court or jail when you can join APC and dance at the next rally?
So, if you’re a politician with a rap sheet longer than a Nollywood movie, don’t despair. Grab your decamping letter, practice your loyalty oath, and head to the APC. Say, “On your mandate we shall stand,” and watch President Tinubu wave his magic broom. Your sins? Forgiven. Your cases? Forgotten. Your future? A cozy spot in Nigeria’s ruling party.
As the sun sets over Abuja, the APC forgiveness fiesta continues. The line of decamping politicians stretches around the block. Tinubu smiles from the stage, his mandate stronger than ever. Somewhere, a broom sweeps away another EFCC file, and Nigeria’s political comedy rolls on.
